What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 19:10
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why are most girls not open to the idea of anal sex?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
How would you feel if your girlfriend had dick pics on her phone?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What are some life hacks for living on your own?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do I feel worthless most of the time?
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Can you share 100 facts about yourself?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She found it foreign!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was 9 years of age.
She wouldn,t have been !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is soul school!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i do to all so called friends.?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I said to her
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I will be 64.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It was going to be , some day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..